I was at church a few months ago when our pastor touched on judging. He was basically making fun of people and how they are always saying "don't judge me" for ridiculous reasons. Kyle had his hand on my knee, gave it a squeeze and laughed because I always say that to him, mostly when I'm still hungry after having seconds and going for thirds. And he is always, always judging. In a loving-I-can't-believe-you're-really-eating-more-food type of way, of course ;) In reality, it got me thinking how often that phrase is used and how much value it even holds anymore. Not to mention it is the topic Pam and I were on Dr. Phil for, afterall. haha. No one likes being judged yet each one of us is guilty of judging. Whether its seeing someone at the grocery store and making a snap judgment based on their appearance or hearing about a single mom of a few kids struggling to make ends meet while announcing shes expecting again or watching through your computer screen as your facebook friend is going out again or judging parents for the way their kids were acting in public. Speaking from personal experience here, getting questions or judgmental comments as to why Pam and I would pose in bikinis in a calendar. Why? Because we were presented with the opportunity and we wanted to, that's why! Also because it was raising money, and it raised a prettttty penny, for Warrior Foundation Freedom Station, that's why. Also because it really doesn't affect a single person other than myself and my husband, who I spoke with beforehand and he was totally fine with it, that's why. When someone starts questioning your actions, you feel the need to defend yourself to justify why you made that choice. Hence what I just did. Its a natural response to feeling somewhat attacked. The question is, when are we allowed to judge? When is it crossing the line? When does it go from you being a caring friend, sibling, spouse, etc to being the judgmental one? I know there are definitely those people out there who are straight up rude and criticize everything those around them do so I'm not talking about those types of people. I'm talking about the ones who are supportive but when an issue arises, brings it up to you. Its like balancing on a tight rope. You stay nice and quiet and keep your mouth shut, go along and agree with those around you and you're good to go. The second you open your mouth and start saying hey, wait a second here, you're tilting to the side and the more you try to express your concern, the faster you lose your balance then you quickly fall. I have been guilty of putting friends and my sisters (sorry, ladies) up on that tightrope and after experiencing it myself, I can see how frustrating it is. It doesn't make any sense to me how you can be friends with someone who you confide in, someone who confides in you, someone you trust. This person can give you advice and make comments and sometimes come across as judging, I mean, mega bigtime judging. Yet when they bring up an issue going on with them and you're-GASP-honest with them, it turns into you being too judgmental because not everyone lives the same and does everything the same, don't you know? Live and let live, DUH. This is where my confusion lies. Isn't being a friend being honest and voicing concern when you see it? I know a lot of it lies in the presentation and tone of voice and how you're voicing that concern but when you're actually a friend, doing it out of good intentions, how can you go so wrong? Or is the one on the receiving end taking it the wrong way, quick to throw out the "you're judging me" phrase as to lessen the reality of what was said? Because if you think about it and think those words are true, you have to act upon them. You can't act upon them if it isn't brought to your attention, causing you to still live in denial. I don't know about you but if I'm confiding in a friend about marriage, kid, family or friend struggles, I want advice. That is why I'm talking to you. Not just to gossip and run my mouth, I am over that age and stage thankyouverymuch, I am reaching out for advice. I'm not opening up to hear a sugarcoated response. If my behavior toward my sister was uncalled for and I owe her an apology, I want you to tell me. If my husband and I are acting stupid toward each other and our words or actions are detrimental to our marriage, I want you to tell me. If I'm making bad parenting decisions, I want you to tell me. If I'm being inconsiderate toward a friend, I want you to tell me. If you, a friend I trust enough to confide in, can't hold me accountable for my actions, who can?! I'm not going to you so you can tell me I'm right all the time (though when I AM right, I want to hear it!!) I'm going to you so you can verbally smack me around a little bit if need be. Because sometimes I need it. And sometimes you need it. When you're telling me crazy stories and asking what I would do-then I tell you what I would do-how does that make me judgmental? You asked what I, let me say that again, I, would do. Not what I think you should do. But even if you did ask that, am I not allowed to answer honestly? As a friend, are you not allowed to try to whip me into shape when you see a part of my life isn't going so hot? Call me crazy but I think that is part of the responsibility of being a friend. So as I listen to stories and I see things on facebook or other blogs or stupid quotes on instagram about judging, I can't help but roll my eyes so hard they almost fall out of my head. Not everyone is judging you and if you feel that way, you should probably stop playing the victim and think about situations when you have been the one being a little judgy judgy. We are all guilty. I will probably look at instagram later tonight and judge a picture. It happens. Don't act like you're above it. Do, however, stop acting like a friend giving you advice on a topic you told them about is judging. It isn't.
