Here's the thing. I get it, I totally do. The first few months of Remingtons life she would sleep anywhere through any noise so I didn't mind going out to a late dinner or over to a friends for a movie and game night. When she needed a routine and wouldn't sleep as easily anymore, I knew staying at friends until 11 pm playing games had to stop. I know the feeling of feeling bad and knowing you need to get your sweet baby to sleep and wanting to get out of somewhere. I know the feeling of a meltdown and wanting the crying to stop. I know the feeling of getting my girl down for bed at 8 and being done for the night, wanting nothing more than to cuddle up next to my husband on the couch and zone out. However, it is our choice we made to have babies and we shouldn't let our kidless friends suffer and lose our friendships just because we had a kid. I mean if we have friends asking us to go party and go to bars and only wanting to hang out at 10 pm on week nights all the time then fine, okay, I'd be saying ya um no thanks. However reading some blogs, apparently friends asking moms to lunch is a crime or asking to do a 6pm dinner is wrong. One blog went on and on about how her friend asked her to meet her on her lunch break to catch up but how dare she, her kids NEED A NAP, darn it, she's so clueless to think she can just uproot nap time and meet for lunch, how selfish and unrealistic, she just has no clue what its like to be a parent blah blah blah. Once again, I get kids and routine and attitudes and crying and how doing lunch sometimes just doesn't sound enjoyable when you have a kid. However would it really kill you or your kid to either do an early nap or push it back a little bit later? ONE DAY won't be the end of the world, it just won't. When your friend is making an attempt to actually be friends, at a reasonable hour, you suck it up and you do it, even if that means a whiney kid. Because here's the deal-YOU HAVE A FRIEND!!! Who wants to see you and invest time in you and see your kids!!! You do what you need to do to work on that friendship. It just seems like the blame is always on the friend without kids for not understanding and for stopping the phone calls to hang out. Well, when you're told no so many times, why would you continue to call? You have to shoulder some of the blame as well. When I see moms talking about how they don't have anything in common with their kidless friends anymore, it just makes me think they should stop focusing on that and instead focus on what they DO have in common. Considering you are friends, there should be many commonalities but the one thing you can BOTH relate on, no matter what, is what life was like prekids. So sure they might not understand you can't just be spontaneous anymore but YOU UNDERSTAND what it was like to just pick up and do something without taking half your house with you and worrying about who will be in what mood and if someone will have a melt down. You understand what it was like to just wander Target aimlessly for hours, sipping on a soda and sharing popcorn daydreaming how you'd decorate rooms and trying on clothes just for fun. You understand what its like to go see a movie or grab lunch or go to dinner with a few girlfriends and laugh all night long or even just go to a friends and hang out and talk. And to be honest, I think us moms would be a hell of a lot better off if we would take our kidless friends up on their offers more often. Even if that means-gasp-derailing your kids schedule for a day or two here and there. Even if that means being so tired after getting the kids to bed but mustering up to get to a friends house or out to dinner. Not only do you NEED it, but you DESERVE it. Even if you're tired, going to see friends will liven you up and give you some much needed laughter and time away so it will benefit you regardless.
As if figuring out the right time wasn't enough these kidless friends are doing wrong, they never factored in how a mom will be tired the next day. HeeeellllooooOOOOOOOOO do they not realize I have to wake up early in the morning with kids and be pulled in ten different directions all day and not have a minute to myself? Gosh how dumb are those friends to seriously think I can just stay out late these days blah blah blah. Again, to that I say GET OVER YOURSELF. You can and will survive on a little less sleep than normal for one day. You aren't going to die. I promise you will make it out alive. Not only do you have to wake up early but your friends do too. They have to go to work or school and meet their commitments, they have a life too. Just because you have kids doesn't suddenly mean your friends lives are less important or more simple. They will be tired but they'll rally to hang out with you because they CARE about you and WANT to see you. If you'd stop being so selfish and expecting everyone to cater to you just because you have kids, maybe you'd realize that and make more of an effort to see your friends, too. You can only pull the mom-card so many times and to be honest, before I was a parent I may have given you the benefit of the doubt and trusted you are too busy for me. But now that I'm in the midst of motherhood, I know there are plenty of moments you can make time for friends and even more importantly, times you NEED to surround yourself with friends.
The most offensive I've seen is one blog that went so far as to say why their non kids friends just aren't fun to hang out with anymore and how they'd prefer friends with kids. Are you kidding me?!?! Obviously its easier to go to a friends house that has toys everywhere so your kid can play and its all babyproof and all that good stuff but how the heck do you think you're making your friends feel by saying that,or even worse, proving it by suddenly only have friends with kids? How would you feel if your friend straight up stopped being by your side just because you have children? Only hung out with work friends and never made an effort to see you? It would be a real disappointment and you would feel like your kids are a huge burden on their life. Its a two way street. Your actions by choosing to drift away from your kidless friends can and does hurt them, too. Think about it this way. Our lives changed drastically the second we became parents. Suddenly we experienced this overwhelming love and we had a new best friend we want to dedicate all of our time to. We have so much fun with our babies every single day and they are able to fill a void of friends, because they are our best friends. Your kidless friends however didn't have anything change. Their lives are still the same but they are missing a huge part of it. You. We get caught in the day to day of being a mom and we love it and the days pass quickly and we may not even miss certain friends because we are so busy but your friend misses you and we have to be aware of that.
I guess the reason why this bothers me so much to the point where I'm writing about it is because one thing I CAN NOT STAND is a "poor me" attitude. I HATE IT!!!!! I can not emphasize enough how much I hate it and how that mindset will eat away at a person little by little. If you don't like something in your life--CHANGE IT. Anyways so these blogs have such an underlying tone of how everyone should feel sorry for them because they're a mom and their days are long and they can't do what they want anymore and their old friends just don't understand and wah wah wah wah WAH. I think the person who doesn't understand is YOU, fellow mom. You don't understand what its like to be a friend anymore. You don't understand that just because your world revolves around your kids doesn't mean your friends does. You don't understand that your friends are allowed to miss you and want your company, even if that means inopportune times for you or late night hang outs. You don't understand that you need to take a damn chill pill and dig deep and find that person you were before kids. You don't understand that your friends lives matter too and just because they aren't parents yet doesn't mean their lives are any less important than yours. You don't understand that you can release the control a little bit and leave your kids with your husbands or find a babysitter every now and then to get yourself a break and some girl time. You don't understand that inviting your friend over after they get off work to partake in the rush of dinnertime, dishes, bathtime and bedtime isn't always fun or something they want to do. (Heck, sometimes it isn't even something you want to do!) You don't understand the importance and value in girl time anymore. You are all making it very clear you no longer understand the meaning of friendship and thats a very sad thing.To my momma, sisters and friends back home and my girlfriends who are all spread about thanks to the wonderful Military lifestyle-I miss you all dearly and cherish your friendships more than you know. I only wish I could ditch my kid every now and then for girls nights. And to my friends here-thanks for being understanding of having girls nights at my house after Remi goes down because its easier for me. I promise I will make a better effort to not get caught up in mom life and see you more often, without my girl causing chaos around us! To the rest of you moms stuck in this negative mindset harboring anger at your kidless friends-I hope you will realize how lucky you are to actually have your friends present and nearby and I hope you start taking advantage of that. It is great for you but also great for your kids to grow up with as many people around them as possible that love them, cherish them and make them feel special. When you start cutting your good friends out of your life for such stupid reasons, you are doing your kids a disservice by getting rid of perfectly good adults who will show them love. Keep them around, no one ever regrets having good, solid friends and the truth is you can't have too many.
